If you want your ex back, it feels great when they seem to be reciprocating your feelings.
But sometimes it’s hard to shake the feeling that they’re just using you until someone better comes along.
How To Tell Your Ex Is Using You
Now first off, we need to figure out what the situation is. How can you tell if your ex is using you as their backup plan? This can be a little ambiguous but there are definitely a few signs to look for that will point you in the right direction.
First, they’ll be hot and cold.
Just imagine yourself in their position. Things didn’t work out with you so they’re afraid to try again. Ideally they’d find someone new who didn’t carry all the baggage of the breakup. But above all, they just don’t want to be alone.
And really, they’re confused about their feelings for you. So one day they may think “hey, I really do love this person and want to be with them forever” and then the next minute they want nothing to do with you.
This is why your ex will use you as their backup plan. They don’t want to commit to you because they don’t really want you, I’m sorry to say.
But they also don’t want to lose you forever in case they can’t find someone new.
So they’ll string you along, be nice to you and seem interested and then they’ll pull away completely and it’ll be like it never happened.
But once you give them some space, they’ll come running back to you, giving you attention and love all over again.
They want to keep you on the hook in case they change their mind. They want you close, but not too close that they have to treat you the way you deserve.
And that’s another sign. If your ex is using you as a backup plan they’re going to be very noncommittal.
So you’ll want to make plans but they’ll be hard to pin down. The thing is that they want space but they’re afraid if they make that clear then they’ll lose you.
So they’re going to be very wishy washy. They’ll only spend time with you in a very limited capacity and it will take a lot of time and effort on your part to make that happen.
And another sign they’re doing this is that they’ll actually get jealous if you mention dating again. They know that they have no right to be jealous since you two are broken up, but they will be jealous anyway.
Often they’ll try to hide this jealousy so they’ll say stuff like “I think they’re just not right for you” or “I can’t believe you’re dating again so soon” or “they’re just using you”
So they’ll badmouth anyone you’re interested in because they don’t want to risk losing you to someone new. This is another hallmark of people who will use someone else as a backup plan.
It’s like they don’t want you but also don’t want to lose you. Maybe it’s an ego thing.
Maybe they’re just afraid of change. They also hate the idea of seeing you with someone else. Whatever the reason, they’re going to make it hard for you to date again because they want your focus, even while not giving you theirs.
So don’t take this jealousy as a sign that you can get them back. Oftentimes it’s just a way for them to maintain control over the situation rather than a sign of genuine interest. But if you can create jealousy in your ex, it will help you win them back.
Why You Can’t Let Your Ex Use You
Now you may think “hey, I don’t want to be their backup plan but it’s better than nothing.”
But the truth is that it’s actually worse than nothing. Because when you allow yourself to become your ex’s backup plan you’re actually killing your chances of ever getting back together.
The simple explanation is that by letting them treat you like this, you’re telling your ex that you’re OK waiting around for them to change their mind about breaking up. This is not attractive.
As long as your ex knows that you’ll be waiting around eager to take them back, then they never have to actually ask you.
It firmly shifts the balance of power entirely to your ex, gives them the comfort of gradually getting over you, while never having to actually lose you until they’re ready.
They can call you up, have a nice date, some cuddling, maybe some sex and then disappear again without having to worry that you’ll be gone when they decide to come back.
Essentially, allowing yourself to become “plan B” for your ex removes any sense of urgency and makes the entire process of getting over the breakup easier and faster.
Break Free Of Your Ex’s Manipulation
If you refuse to play this game with your ex, you’re going to change the conversation.
You’ll show them that you’re no longer theirs for the taking and that if they don’t treat you right, you will move on and leave them in the dust.
That’s going to be a scary thought for your ex, and the fear of you moving on or finding someone new to replace them is a very powerful motivator that will draw them to you like a magnet. But you can’t make that happen unless you STOP being your ex’s backup plan.
Step #1: Remove yourself from the situation
Your ex can only really play games like this if you play along. They need access to you. They need you to give them attention so that they know that you’re still in their pocket. They need you to chase after them when they pull away.
If you want this to stop you need to take space immediately. I recommend a 30 day period of No Contact with your ex. You need to stop talking to them, stop responding to messages and just focus on yourself.
No Contact is important because it shocks your ex into recognizing what life is like without you around. It’s the only way to maximize their feelings of “missing you”.
If you don’t use No Contact, and you instead continue talking to your ex regularly, you’re slowly reducing the amount of contact between you and your ex which will reduce the heartache they’re going to feel and let them gradually fade from their life.
By not speaking to your ex, you’re also going to create a sense of mystery — they’ll wonder why you’re suddenly no longer interested in talking with you, and you’ll essentially upend their expectations and create more of a sense of urgency by signaling you’re already moving on.
Going dark sends a message to your ex. It says “I’m not looking to hang around and be your backup plan. I want someone who will offer me a proper relationship.”
Step #2: Keep your emotions to yourself.
If your ex thinks you’re struggling with the breakup, thinks you’re heartbroken, or even gets the impression you’re not moving on quickly…. then that’s a sign that you’re still invested in the relationship. So even if you’re not talking to them, they’ll think they still have you on the hook as their Plan B option.
So even though you’re going through hell, you don’t want your ex to know that. In the event that you do have to see your ex, or even when you post on social media, you need to paint the picture of someone who is NOT miserable about their breakup.
You don’t need to put on a phony smile but just don’t be a mess. And if you only take one thing from my advice, let it be this: do NOT post sad poetry or song lyrics on your social media. This is never as subtle as you think it is. It’s like tattooing “I MISS MY EX” on your forehead.
Step #3: Keep your ex guessing.
You want your ex back. That’s your goal. But part of achieving that goal is hiding it from your ex…at least for now. In fact, the more you can convince your ex that you’re over it and you’re moving on, the better.
I know this sounds backwards, but if your ex thinks you’re actively trying to get back together, they’re going to be guarded. They’ll be less likely to respond to your calls or texts and not want to meet up with you.
They’ll think that you’re going to put pressure on them to get back together and this will be a barrier between the two of you. But if they think you’re just catching up or hanging out for another reason, they’ll be more likely to say yes.
That means you shouldn’t be too eager to respond to your ex’s messages, and you need to be sure that any time you reach out to your ex you’re carefully controlling the interaction to ensure your ex can’t tell you’re making an effort to get a second chance with them.
Ask yourself this question: if my ex were to call and ask me to take them back, would they know for sure what my answer would be? If they know that you’ll immediately say yes and take them back any time they want, then you’ve become their backup plan.
Step #4: Stay out of the friendzone.
You definitely don’t want to allow yourself to fall into the “friend zone” trap. I know being friends with your ex may seem like the next best thing if you can’t be together in a proper relationship, but it’s actually going to hurt your chances of getting them back.
I think this is probably already fairly obvious from what I’ve already covered so far, but essentially becoming friends with your ex is another way you can make the breakup easier for your ex… by being their friend, you’re again just allowing them to gradually let you go from their life.
So the friendzone lets them move on more easily while No Contact shocks their system and draws them back to you.
You have to make it absolutely clear to your ex that if they choose to break up with you, they’re on their own and they can’t come running back to you if they find the single life less fun than they’d imagined it would be.
If you’ve already agreed to be friends, you’re in a tough spot but there are ways around it.
You need to separate yourself from your ex. If they become upset and ask you why, tell them that you’re trying to move on. If they push, tell them that you want a partner, not a friend.
Step #5: Improve your life.
When you start going out, being social, making friends, taking up new hobbies, and thriving at work or in school… your ex will notice, and they will see that you’re more valuable, more interesting, and more driven than they thought you were.
You’re showing your ex that you’re not the same person they dumped. You still have potential that you’ve only begun to dig into. If they want to see where you’re going, they have to come back to you.
Really, nothing says “I’m not anybody’s backup plan” better than generally thriving in life. Make it obvious that you’re moving on to bigger and better things unless your ex quickly changes their mind about breaking up.
