You miss your ex, you want them back and you’re willing to do whatever it takes.
First off, I’m glad you have this attitude. It’s important to know what we want in life and go out there and get it.
Second, I need to warn you against one important–and very common–mistake that will destroy your chances with your ex and scare them off for good.
Now, what is this big mistake that will ruin your chances with your ex? I’ll just come out and say it…it’s begging and pleading with your ex for a second chance.
And while you may think you have avoided this, there’s a very good chance that you’re begging your ex for a second chance without even knowing it, not with your words but with your actions.
So imagine showing up to your ex’s house late at night and telling them that you’ve changed and that you’ll be whoever they need you to be if they’ll just take you back.
You’re on your hands and knees, you’re crying and you’re basically a huge mess. I think we all know that this isn’t going to be effective, outside of a movie or a Disney plus show.
But why exactly? Well I think the obvious reason is that it’s pathetic. It makes you look weak. It makes you look unattractive and it suggests that you don’t have any other options or you wouldn’t be in such a sorry state.
While other people might look at this as romantic–it shows how much you love and care about this other person that you don’t care how it makes you look–that’s only really ever true in hindsight.
So basically if you do end up back with your ex, then it was romantic and touching, but if you don’t—and you usually won’t, taking this approach—then you’re their sad and pathetic ex who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
And really, unless they broke up with you because you wouldn’t tell them you loved them, this is just a bad idea.
But that’s not the only reason that this doesn’t work. Another important factor is that by begging and pleading with your ex in this way, you’re essentially centering yourself in this conversation. You’re saying “I know that you said that you didn’t want me, but I want you enough for the two of us.”
I know that that’s not your intention but it can very easily come off this way and make you seem callous and uncaring. Because I’m guessing they raised some very real issues during your breakup, and if your response is essentially just “but I love you”, you’re not going to win their heart or their mind.
In fact, it will actually push them away further because it will show them that you didn’t really listen to them or reflect on what went wrong. Now I’m not saying that addressing their concerns should be your number one priority right now either, but you also don’t want to sweep them under the rug.
And the most important reason that you shouldn’t beg and plead with your ex after breaking up is because it puts pressure on them.
You don’t want your ex to feel pressure from you directly during this process. Breaking up is very stressful. During this time, they’ll naturally be drawn to you as a source of comfort and support.
You don’t want your ex to feel pressure from you directly during this process.
While you don’t want to be their shoulder to cry on during this time, or anything like that, it’s still good for them to have this association because it means they think of you as a positive force in their life.
But when you actively beg them for a second chance, it basically strips away all the goodwill they have towards you.
So now when they think about you, they’re going to think about how uncomfortable it was for you to beg them for another chance.
Instead of wishing you’d reach out to them and contact them, they’re going to hope you leave them alone so they don’t have to go through that again.
This is going to make the whole process of winning them back much harder because they’re going to think twice about responding to your messages, answering the phone and meeting up with you in person.
Now there are ways to overcome these feelings in your ex but you’re essentially making it harder for yourself with no benefit. You want to remove friction during this process so that talking and reconnecting with you seems to have no downsides.
You want your ex to be excited at the thought of talking to you and begging and pleading is a sort of turd in the punchbowl, metaphorically speaking.
Subtle Ways You’re Begging Your Ex For Another Chance
So, you’re probably saying, I never begged and pleaded with my ex, so I’m in the clear, right? Well I hope that that’s true but there are actually very small things you can do that will come across as begging and pleading to your ex.
While these may not be as extreme as getting on your hands and knees in the rain and asking them to take you back, if you’re exhibiting these behaviors consistently, they’re going to scare your ex off the same way, if not moreso.
And that’s because they ring all the same alarm bells as begging and pleading: they suggest that you’re pathetic, desperate, delusional and they put pressure on your ex to take you back.
And these behaviours can be very subtle, so subtle in fact that you might not know that you’re doing them…your ex might not even know, but that doesn’t matter, because they’ll affect their feelings at a subconscious level. They’ll think “I just don’t want to talk to them and I don’t know why.”
Being Overly Accommodating
Many people who want their exes back will avoid the pitfall of begging for a second chance, and instead they’ll begin treating their ex as kindly as humanly possible, trying to show them that they care about them and are a good person who will basically do whatever they want to make them happy.
This kind of treatment, within reason, can really make someone fall for you…but only if you’re currently in a relationship. Since you two are exes, it will actually scare them off, big time because it makes it clear that you’re heavily invested in them.
This kind of investment isn’t something your ex is asking for or wanting at this stage of things. Essentially, treating your ex this way creates pressure for reciprocation and they don’t want to reciprocate.
Think of it like this: imagine it’s your birthday and you open the door and find a brand new luxury vehicle, wrapped up with a big bow.
Then who hands you the keys? It’s a guy you remember from high school…Jeff? Jim? You’re not really sure. You two had a couple of classes together but you haven’t seen each other in years and you haven’t thought about him at all.
So are you going to be happy about having a new car? Maybe, but more likely you’ll be confused and a little scared. You’ll be asking “why would he do this?” and more importantly “what does he want in return?” Is this some kind of scam? Is he in love with you?
Now I know that you and your ex are hardly strangers and offering them a ride to the airport isn’t the same as buying them a new car, but there are parallels there that you shouldn’t ignore. If you’re too nice to your ex, too consistently, it’s going to set off alarm bells in their head and create pressure that will scare them away.
So whether you’re dropping by with flowers, offering to help them move, or picking up their favourite ice cream from that place way across town, stop it. You need to treat them warmly and with respect, but not in a way that creates expectation.
Refusing To Accept The Breakup
Another way you may be subconsciously “begging” your ex for another chance is acting like nothing has changed.
This one can be pretty subtle but it’s important to recognize if you want to make this work. If you’re struggling to accept the breakup, and I’m sure you are, then that means a part of your subconscious mind is just pretending that it never happened at all.
And while I’m sure you’re not calling them honey, picking out engagement rings and asking them why they won’t come for dinner with your parents, what you are doing could be just as damaging.
It can be as subtle as the way you look at them, a touch on the arm, or the way you text them. Basically, if your behaviour doesn’t reflect the changing of the status quo, this is going to start to worry your ex, the longer it goes on.
It may feel to them like you’re just not getting the message that things are over.
This will show them that you don’t respect their decision to break up and are just treating this like a fight that you can just sweep under the rug. If you act this way, it will frustrate your ex A LOT and will make them want to avoid you like the plague.
They may start treating you more and more coldly, just to try to get the message across. However they respond, it’s going to put a lot of strain on the relationship.
I always tell people that they need to treat their exes like exes. You shouldn’t be cold to them but you also can’t be red hot.
A little bit of detachment will show your ex that you respect the breakup and that you’re moving on…and this is going to do more to win them back than any romantic gesture.
Of course, as the re-attraction phase continues, you can start bringing back some of the old inside jokes and flirty looks that drew them to you in the first place. Just read the room, don’t overdo it right away and you should be fine.
Being Too Available
If your ex can tell that you’re there for the taking, they’re not going to want you. I’m sorry but this is just human nature. We want things that are scarce and in high demand.
So it’s better to make it seem like you’re busy and being pursued by hundreds of sexy singles who just won’t leave you alone.
When they picture you it should be like one of those old Axe commercials where you’re running from a pack of screaming hotties, desperate for a sniff.
Okay, that’s a little extreme but you get my point: make it seem like you’re busy and your ex will wonder “what are they suddenly so busy with? Do they have a new job, new hobbies? Are they seeing someone new?”
If you can make them wonder what you’re up to, then you’re in their head. And if you’re in their head, it’s only a matter of time before you’re in their bed.
This is all to say, don’t respond to their messages within minutes. If you two are going to meet up, don’t say “Anytime, whenever’s good for you, I’m free as a bird.” and, for god’s sake, give them more space than seems necessary.
I’ve seen so many people scare off their ex by being too available at a time like this.
Shift Your Mindset
Now all the tips we’ve talked about today really come down to one thing: mindset. And it doesn’t matter if you follow all this advice to a tee…If you don’t have the right mindset, you’re going to scare off your ex. And that mindset is one of confidence, abundance and mystery.
You want your ex to suspect you’re interested but not be totally sure. You want them to KNOW that you have other options, that you’re living your best life and that if they don’t take you back, then you’re going to move on to bigger and better things before they know it.
THIS is the mindset that you need to cultivate. I know that you’re not feeling this way right now but the good news is that you can fake it til you make it.
Just imagine that you do feel this way…that you may want to reconnect with your ex but if you don’t, it won’t be the end of the world.
Now let those feelings dictate your actions in any given scenario. So maybe you and your ex are supposed to meet up but they have to cancel at the last minute.
Don’t suggest ten other times you might be free. Don’t get angry and blow up at them. And don’t get snippy and then go cry about it while wishing they loved you like you love them.
Remember: you’re a catch. This is their loss as much as it is yours, and even if you never see them again, you’re going to come out on top. If you can master this mindset, you can win back your ex in almost any situation.
Remember: you’re a catch. This is their loss as much as it is yours, and even if you never see them again, you’re going to come out on top. If you can master this mindset, you can win back your ex in almost any situation.
