First off, I want to tell you that I’m sorry.
Every breakup is hard for its own reasons.
It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few days, a few months or even a few YEARS, it really hurts to lose a person you loved and wanted to build a life with.
People may be telling you to just “get over it” and “stop being sad”.
This kind of response is so callous and unhelpful. If you find yourself surrounded by people like this, then I’m really sorry because I know that support is SO important during this process.
Luckily I can offer you some limited support along with a bunch of tips that I’ve put together as a breakup coach, and someone who has experienced heartbreak myself.
So just know that you’re not alone.
And know that you’ve made a positive step by seeking out resources like this. Which actually brings me to my first piece of advice here…
Be Intentional
This can feel a little vague but once you understand it, you’re going to be aware of it, always. Being intentional is all about being careful and considering every move you make before you make it. You’re in a vulnerable state right now. It would be easy to take down a pint of ice cream and call your ex at 3 am, crying and begging them to take you back.
Now if we know that this is a mistake then why do so many of us do it anyway? Well the answer is that we lack impulse control and foresight. And crises like breakups hurt our ability to regulate our emotions and so we’re more likely to do the wrong thing, just to make us feel better for a split second.
This is where being intentional comes in.
You need to plan things out, rather than just letting them happen to you. So find the patterns in your life and reinforce the good ones and interrupt the bad ones. It’s never easy but it really is that simple.
So say that you’ve been staying up late looking at old photos of the two of you and thinking about what might have been.
This in turn affects your sleep and the next day you feel rushed and grumpy and so you make mistakes at work and this makes you feel even more defeated at the end of the day, which makes you think about the breakup more and what went wrong.
It can be as simple as putting the photos in a box and putting it in storage, or putting them on a USB stick and giving them to a friend for safekeeping.
This may feel a little silly and like such a tiny action that it can’t make any difference, but look at the chain of events it’s connected to.
If you can break that chain, you’ll be able to sleep better, you’ll wake up feeling well rested, you’ll have a better day at work, you’ll come home feeling a bit better so you won’t feel compelled to cry all night and wallow in sadness.
I know it can feel like “Where do I even start” especially if you’re in a particularly bad and self-destructive place right now.
But think about that previous example: getting rid of the photos can make such a huge difference down the line. So it really only takes a few actions like this to dramatically shift your life into a better direction.
So say that you know that you feel better about your breakup after you go swimming.
It takes your mind off your ex, you get a little sunlight and a little exercise and things don’t seem so bleak…but you’re having trouble keeping up with this habit when you’re feeling especially down. How do you reinforce this positive habit?
Well it can be as easy as making a regular plan with friends. Say you go for a swim every weekend at the same time.
This gives you a little accountability and makes it harder for you to bail because you know other people are expecting you. This is just one example of reinforcing good habits and breaking bad ones.
The good thing is that the more you do this, the better you’ll feel, not just because of the habits but because it will help you regain control over your life and your emotions.
Surround Yourself With The Right People
You often hear the advice to spend time with friends and family following a breakup, and that’s great…it really is. Friends and family can be the perfect distraction. They can lift you up and make you feel loved and connected in a way that’s so important in the midst of a breakup. But that only goes if they’re the right people.
Many people struggle in relationships because of things they internalized from their own families growing up. So maybe you saw your parents fighting every day and so you can’t help but start fights in your relationship. Or maybe you felt you had to act a certain way to get your family’s love and so you feel like you can never be yourself around your partner. Or maybe your childhood friends were cruel to you so you jumped into whatever relationship you could find just to get away from them. It’s great to be aware of these things and how they affect your dating life.
But some people will get dumped–or have a mutual breakup or whatever–and run right back to these toxic situations because they’re familiar…only to find that in six months or a year that they can’t seem to move on from their ex.
News flash: you can’t get support from people who just aren’t supportive. And even if they are supportive on some level, if they keep reminding you of negative patterns and reinforcing the very things you want to escape, they’re only hurting your progress. Now I know that no family or friend group is perfect but I will also say that you should try to keep your distance from toxic people at this time if you want to move on more effectively and completely.
For example, it’s pretty easy to turn to alcohol and even drugs when you’re down in the dumps like this. If you’re worried about that, then stay away from your friends that spend every night down at the Rusty Nail getting obliterated. I don’t care if they are your best friends, their influence is not what you need right now.
So basically you need to know that while just about anyone can be a good distraction in a pinch, it’s going to take specific people to REALLY help you get through this time and heal in the long term.
Look for the people who make you feel cared about and supported. And look for the people with habits and lives that you want to emulate. And avoid people who make you feel guilty for asking for help.
Don’t Feel Bad For Feeling Bad
A breakup comes with a lot of baggage. There are a ton of negative emotions, missed opportunities, regrets, and complicated feelings when it comes to your ex. But the one thing that many people do is pile guilt on top of all this and make things even worse for themselves. Remember, your emotions are valid responses to what you’ve been through. It’s normal to feel bad that this relationship didn’t work out. It’s normal to hate your ex, to love them, to miss them and to wish they’d never been born, all at the same time.
While you can control how you act, your emotions are largely an automatic response to a stimulus. You wouldn’t get mad at your leg for moving when the doctor hits your knee with his little hammer, would you? It’s basically the same thing.
If you find that you’re still dealing with these emotions months or years later, I’d bet that it’s because you never let yourself feel them fully in the first place. By judging ourselves for feeling negative emotions, we push them down and we just end up stretching them out over a long period of time. So remember that emotions are natural and healthy…they’re a part of life and they’ll take whatever form they need to to show you the way forward.
Know That It Will Take Time To Get Over Your Breakup
Yes, it’s a cliche because it’s true. Breakups hurt and pain doesn’t just disappear overnight.
Now, are there things you can do to make this process easier for yourself? Sure, and I hope you discovered a few new ones here, but at the end of the day, healing takes time and that’s exactly what you’re going through right now…healing.
Say you get a cold. Now the next day you wake up with a sore throat. And the day after that you’ve got a stuffy nose and all that. If it’s still here a few days later, are you going to be upset? Sure. But are you going to try to will it away or pretend like it’s not there? No, because you know that that doesn’t work. So why do we try to treat a breakup like it’s somehow different?
Breakups are painful and that pain is real. You’re not weak for feeling and attending to that pain. In fact, that’s the only way you’ll really get better and move on for good.
