Breakups are often painful and confusing, especially when you still have feelings for your ex and hope to rekindle the relationship.
Understanding your ex’s behavior is crucial in deciding how to approach them and win them back.
The problem is that a lot of labels get thrown around these days without people really knowing what they mean. In particular, I hear the terms avoidant attachment and narcissism being used almost interchangeably.
The truth is that avoidants and narcissists do display a lot of the same behaviour. But when you drill down and really look at how these people act and why they act the way they do, they couldn’t be more different.
So let’s look at the differences and similarities between avoidant attachment and narcissism and talk strategies to reconnect with your ex, depending on their diagnosis.
Does Your Ex Have An Avoidant Attachment Style?
Avoidant attachment is one of the four main attachment styles identified by psychologists. Attachment styles are essentially the main way you connect with other people and form attachments. This dictates the way you deal with others in relationships…your strategies, your triggers, your strengths and weaknesses.
Individuals with avoidant attachment style tend to maintain a lot of emotional distance in relationships and prioritize their independence over their need for connection.
They often struggle with intimacy and have difficulty relying on others. Avoidant attachment can develop from childhood experiences, particularly if a child learns that expressing emotions or relying on caregivers leads to disappointment or rejection.
Avoidants display a lot of emotional self-reliance. Typically they pride themselves on being self-sufficient and managing their emotions independently.
This stems from a reluctance to depend on others. They avoid situations where they might need to rely on someone else, fearing it could lead to vulnerability or disappointment.
For this reason, avoidants tend to withdraw emotionally and physically when a relationship becomes too intimate or demanding. They can cancel plans, become less communicative, and avoid deep conversations.
For example, if you noticed your ex pulling back whenever you tried to discuss future plans or express deeper feelings, this could be indicative of avoidant behavior.
Avoidants prefer to handle their problems independently. So if your ex rarely talked about their feelings or avoided discussing emotional topics, this could be a sign.
They will also prioritize personal goals, careers, or hobbies over deep emotional connections with others.
So they might resist making commitments or integrating their life with their partner’s. For instance, they might frequently choose to spend time alone or with friends instead of making plans with you, emphasizing their need for personal space.
It’s not that they’re choosing their friends over you because they care more about them, it’s because closeness with a partner is a lot more intense so it feels more dangerous and more draining than just seeing friends for those with an avoidant attachment style. But this gets better with increased time and intimacy.
Is Your Ex A Narcissist?
Narcissism can be kind of a vague term but I’m talking about the real deal. That is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD for short).
So while your ex may not be diagnosed or be truly a “capital N” Narcissist, these descriptions can still be relevant. As with avoidance, it’s definitely a spectrum and not everyone who struggles with these issues displays every behaviour on the list.
Basically, NPD is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
Narcissists are often preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, or ideal love, and believe they are superior to others.
This personality disorder can stem from early experiences of excessive pampering or extreme criticism, leading individuals to develop an exaggerated sense of self-worth as a defense mechanism.
A major hallmark of narcissism is grandiosity. This means they have an inflated sense of their own importance and achievements.
It’s normal to be proud of yourself and what you’ve achieved but narcissists take it to the next level. They will speak of themselves only in glowing terms and compare themselves to celebrities and billionaires.
They will exaggerate or straight up lie about their lives and what they’ve done, often in ways that are blatantly obvious to anyone who knows them. The thing is, they often don’t know that they’re lying. They really do see themselves this way.
Narcissists will turn this power of exaggeration on the people around them by showering them with love. So their partners, their friends, their family are the BEST in the world. They’re the most kind, most loving, most beautiful and most successful. Of course, that’s only natural because otherwise they wouldn’t be worthy of association with the narcissist themselves.
But this can also flip on a dime. As soon as you do something they don’t like, you’re a bad person, you’re evil, you’re a monster. This is a classic pattern of manipulation that the narcissist is rarely even aware of.
And manipulation is their stock and trade. They see other people as a means to an end. They’ll use people to get what they want and then discard them. They’ll hurt people without remorse and justify this behaviour because it’s all about them.
They might use charm, flattery, or lies to get what they want at any cost. If your ex often made you feel like you were being used or manipulated for their benefit, this could indicate narcissistic behavior. Even when they’re being nice, it can feel like an act, like they don’t actually care about you at all.
Which is not surprising since one of the other signs of narcissism is a lack of empathy. They struggle to understand or care about the feelings and needs of other people. So they’ll be dismissive of your feelings and focus only on their own. They’ll minimize your struggles and especially your criticism of them.
And finally, they have a constant need for admiration, love and–essentially–worship. They need this to maintain their inflated self esteem. This attention, love and approval they seek is called Narcissistic Supply.
They need to maintain their supplies to feel whole and they’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
They might constantly seek compliments, dominate conversations, or engage in attention-seeking behaviors. That’s another reason for the grandiosity.
They’re trying to get people to notice and praise them. So for example, your ex might brag about their achievements or seek validation from others through social media.
The Difference Between Narcissism and Avoidance
So let’s talk about why these two types of people get mixed up. I think it makes sense, in a way, because what we’re talking about here–and the biggest issue people have with BOTH of these groups–is selfishness.
Avoidants like things a particular way and can be stubborn about changing their behaviour for others. This is because their brain is structured this way because of how they grew up. They found that they had to meet their own needs or their needs wouldn’t get met. So they have a distrust and a disdain for the world outside themselves.
They know they want love from others, but they often feel it’s not worth the tradeoff of their freedom and their energy.
This can lead some avoidants to be characterized as selfish or even narcissistic. Because avoidants tend to do things on their own terms to avoid getting hurt.
It’s the kind “I don’t need anyone else. I’m a self-made man” sort of thing that can come across as arrogant.
And I won’t say that no avoidants are truly arrogant but I also think that this is often an unfair brush to paint your avoidant ex with.
Being avoidant really just means that you lack the desire or capacity to get as close to someone as you’d like to. Key words being “like to.” You see, avoidants WANT to connect with other people, despite what they may say.
They’re not truly hermits or loners as much as they are people who have been hurt. It’s often that avoidants will curse this pattern behaviour as much as their partners and exes do. So it’s not necessarily selfishness as much as a lack of capacity.
The same is not true of the narcissist. Selfishness is THE big hallmark of the narcissist. They care about themselves in a VERY extreme way because of how they were raised. Their self esteem was inflated and they do everything they can to maintain that feeling, no matter the price.
But again, it can be muddy because when we talk about avoidance, narcissists will make use of this too. So while they tend to be more social than avoidants, because they need that narcissistic supply, they will often use stonewalling or the silent treatment as a form of manipulation.
So if you don’t do what they want or if you treat them in a way they don’t like, they can cut you off completely in an instant. They can use their absence to hurt you and then show up when you’re at your weakest to shower you with love and attention.
By repeating this behaviour, they can create a situation where you associate their absence with pain and their presence with relief.
But this narcissistic avoidance is not typically as all encompassing as it is for the true avoidant. Narcissists are typically very social because they want an audience.
So obviously there is a lot of overlap in behaviour here.
Let’s use an example. Imagine you have an issue that you want to talk about with this person. You feel your needs aren’t being met. They’re absent, they’re distracted, whatever. You want them to make time to sit down and talk about this so you can hear their side and hopefully feel better and more connected.
Both an avoidant and a narcissist may do everything they can to avoid this conversation but for different reasons.
The narcissist will avoid it because it involves criticism which they can NOT stand in any form. They see it as an attack and the worst kind of betrayal because of their inflated self esteem. It’s sort of “how dare you question the king?” They really get bent out of shape about it.
Plus, it might just be boring to them. They can’t prioritize your needs OR this conversation because it doesn’t directly benefit them. It’s a lot of work with almost no pay off for them.
The avoidant will avoid the conversation because it’s about feelings and intimacy. They fear these things and feel that they lack the tools to talk about them. They also fear the closeness that may result in fulfilling your needs and being present. They don’t want to make promises they can’t keep.
Meanwhile, from your POV, it doesn’t necessarily matter their reasoning. All you see is someone who refuses to treat you right and fulfill your needs. That’s why these two groups often get mixed up in people’s minds because they can cause some of the same problems in relationships.
And since both of these issues can create a barrier to connecting with another person, they can be hard to really understand, since you’re not able to get close enough to see the moving parts.
But hopefully you can now tell one from the other, because the way you need to treat each one must be handled very differently, especially if you want to reconnect.
You Can’t Change Your Ex
Just a quick note before we get into strategy, I will say that these are not temporary conditions. They’re essentially basically baked into your ex’s personality. While they can improve and change with time and treatment, chances are they’re not going to be THAT much different five, ten, twenty years from now.
So if you’re thinking you’ll change your ex or love them so much that they stop being narcissistic or avoidant, think again. You need to ask yourself if you’re willing and able to live with these people as they are. Is it worth it or is it better to just move on and find someone you’re more compatible with?
Now let’s talk about how to handle these two distinct types of exes.
Winning Back Your Avoidant Ex
To get back an avoidant ex, you need to learn to think like them. They’re scared of intimacy, of intense emotions and of demands on their time and independence.
So you need to start by approaching them in a way that respects their need for space and independence.
One of the most important things to do when dealing with an avoidant ex is to give them space. Avoidants feel overwhelmed by too much closeness, so it’s crucial not to crowd them.
By respecting their need for space, you show that you understand and value their independence. This can help reduce their anxiety and make them more comfortable with reconnecting. For example, instead of sending frequent texts or trying to meet up often, you might give them time to miss you and come to terms with their own feelings.
Rebuilding a connection with an avoidant ex should be done slowly and gradually. Avoidants are wary of intense emotional experiences, so taking things slowly can help them feel safe.
Start with casual, low-pressure interactions. Avoid deep or demanding conversations initially and focus on things that you both enjoy. For instance, you could suggest meeting up for a coffee or a casual walk, allowing the relationship to naturally evolve without pressuring them into deep emotional discussions.
Or maybe you know that they love frisbee so maybe they’ll be more comfortable reconnecting at the park, throwing a frisbee around. Do what you can to make them relaxed and comfortable. You want them to see you as a safe place.
You need to take it slow. Don’t get too invested too quickly and allow them to set the pace of conversations. Err on the side of giving them too much space so that they have room to breathe and are able to take the lead sometimes.
You also want to focus on showing your own independence and stability.
Avoidants often fear that relationships will jeopardize their independence. Demonstrating that you can be a stable, non-demanding presence in their life can be reassuring. They’ll see that you’re not going to ask too much of them in the relationship when they see you can stand on your own two feet.
At the same time, be consistent in your actions and show that you can be trusted. Avoid sudden changes in behavior or demands for commitment, which can trigger their fear of dependence. Showing that you respect their boundaries and can be a reliable partner can help them feel more secure in rekindling the relationship.
Winning Back Your Narcissistic Ex
Approaching a narcissistic ex requires a different strategy, focused on catering to their need for admiration while maintaining clear boundaries to protect yourself from manipulative behavior. So again, you need to think like the other person.
They want to be adored and they’re not afraid to be manipulative so don’t be afraid to do a little manipulation of your own and play to their vanity when you need to.
Dating a narcissist requires a willingness to take some hits and hit back, metaphorically speaking. You have to stand up for yourself or they’ll walk all over you. So show them that you’re strong and worthy of their respect and attention.
Remember, narcissists thrive on admiration and validation. Appealing to this need can help draw them back to you. But instead of just love bombing them, try to focus on genuine admiration.
Compliment their achievements, appearance, or talents. Show genuine interest in their successes and make them feel valued. For example, you might remind them of times when they excelled at something or praise them for their unique qualities. Keep it in the realm of reality.
Narcissists may be swayed by grand romantic gestures that make them feel important and give them a chance to be in the spotlight. Usually I NEVER recommend this but it can work in this situation. So think of a Hollywood movie ending. Rain, tears, a bottle of champagne. You want them to really feel special in this moment and they’ll keep coming back for more.
But more important than pumping their ego is setting boundaries. You may feel excited when they start to give you attention back but remember that this attention can turn into manipulation in seconds. That’s why it’s crucial to set clear boundaries to protect your own well-being and the relationship.
So figure out what you will and won’t put up with. Find the line for yourself and let your ex know when they cross it.
Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. Let them know what behaviors are unacceptable and be prepared to enforce these limits. For instance, you could tell them that while you appreciate them, you will not tolerate being disrespected or manipulated, and be ready to stand by these boundaries.
Remember, they can be selfish so they need to see how being together will benefit them as well as you. Emphasize the ways in which being with you aligns with their goals and desires. Show how the relationship can be mutually beneficial.
For instance, you could highlight how your support can help them achieve their personal goals. Like “I’m always here to keep you grounded and sane while you pursue your master’s degree.”
The Bottom Line: Narcissism Vs. Avoidance
So let’s summarize quickly. While there is a lot of overlap between these two groups, in the end, there are a few major differences in how you should approach them:
Avoidants require patience, space, and consistency, narcissists need admiration, boundaries, and a focus on mutual benefits.
And remember to keep a focus on yourself and your own self esteem during this process. Don’t be afraid to walk away if they refuse to meet you halfway and fulfill your needs. These people aren’t likely to change all that much, no matter how much you love them.
In some cases, seeking out professional help in the form of a counselor or psychiatrist will be necessary. Remember, you’re not their doctor so you can only help them so much. The rest is up to them.
But all that can wait until you reconnect for good and you’re off to a great start. By understanding their characteristics and employing strategy, you can create a foundation for a relationship that lasts.
