After a breakup it can be hard to know what to say to your ex.
It’s like you don’t even know who they are anymore.
So when they reach out to you, it can feel like they’re speaking a foreign language.
Sure, you can read the words but what do they mean?
What does your ex want? And what are you supposed to say in return?
Don’t worry, I’m here to decode the most common text messages from your ex and tell you how to reply to each and every one.
This advice is primarily aimed at people trying to win back their exes but even if you’re just looking to understand what the hell your ex is talking about, you’re in the right place.
Your Ex’s Current Mindset
Before we dive into the examples here, let’s talk about your ex’s mindset at this time. Because how your ex is feeling will affect communication in a huge way.
They may seem totally normal but trust me, they’re the furthest thing from normal right now.
Now this is going to vary from person to person, obviously, but we can make some pretty accurate statements about what they’re feeling right now.
If you’re here, I’m sure you know that breakups can be pretty destabilizing. They upset your routine, they change your life in ways you didn’t expect and they just generally mess with your head. So your ex will feel really unsettled during this time. They will want comfort and stability more than anything.
And a breakup is a huge source of sadness and emotional pain. This is obvious but it’s also not something to brush off. To your brain, a breakup is almost indistinguishable from the death of a loved one. It can plunge you into a massive depression and cause you to experience grief. People gain weight, lose weight, stop sleeping, stop going to work. It’s bad, bad news.
It messes with your sense of self: who you thought you were and what your life would be going forward. So they’re feeling lost because their identity has taken a major hit and they don’t know who they are.
And if your ex was the one who ended the relationship, they’re also going to feel incredibly guilty about the whole thing.
So that’s just where your ex is right now, mentally, even if that doesn’t come through when they pop up on your phone asking “how’s it going?”
Keep this in mind when texting your ex because every interaction will be coloured by these painful feelings from both sides.
Texts Your Ex Will Send
Now let’s dive into it with text #1 that your ex is going to send you.
Text #1: The Validation Trap Message
This is a super common text an ex will send and it’s pretty frustrating because it can be difficult to decode.
Basically this means any text message where your ex is asking things like, “Why are you acting weird?” or “Why are you ignoring me?” or “So are we not ever going to talk anymore or what?”… something along those lines.
Now it might feel like your ex is mad at you or like they genuinely miss you, but really it’s none of those things.
This is a text you’re going to receive when you pull away from your ex, whether you’ve gone No Contact or just naturally cut them off.
If not, don’t panic, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or you’ve got no chance of ever getting your ex back. But if you have got a text like this, it’s an excellent sign that No Contact is having the intended effect. Even if you’re not currently in a period of No Contact, and your ex sends you something like this, it’s usually a relatively positive indication that they’re missing you to some degree.
Now, I can’t give you a single one-size-fits-all way to handle this type of text from your ex. But, I can give you some general advice, and a few different tips depending on your specific situation…
First of all, you’re probably wondering why I call this message the validation trap. That’s because your ex–whether they know it or not–is essentially trying to trap you into a response. This is an aggressive message and they probably have a particular response in mind.
They want you to say “I’m sorry! I miss you. I need you. Anything you need I’m there. Please talk to me. I’ll never leave you” or some, slightly less pathetic version of that. They’re looking for that quick validation that you’re still on the hook for them because they’re feeling sad and alone.
But while this may feel good for a couple seconds, this isn’t what they actually want in the long run. If you give them what they’re essentially asking for with this message they’re going to lose respect for you, feel smothered and pull away even more.
So, please do not fall for this trap, folks… recognize this message for what it is when you receive it, and DO NOT… I repeat, DO NOT…. respond immediately, regardless of how badly you may want to. It doesn’t matter if you feel terrible for ignoring your ex, and you’re desperate to respond to tell them.
Wait an hour, two hours, even ten hours to respond to a message like this and show them that you’re no longer playing their game.
I know this might seem crazy if you want your ex back, but really, it’s the right move. You see, you obviously do need to talk to them and reconnect, at some point, but early into the breakup you’re not helping the situation by getting drawn back into their web. You need them to know that you’re not sticking around, begging for scraps.
You’re on your own journey, doing your own thing and if they want to reconnect then they’re going to have to make an actual effort to reconnect in a real way. Not play games.
So please, do NOT reply to this kind of message immediately… take at least a few hours to clear your head and think out a proper response.
Generally, the ideal response would usually be to simply ignore this message altogether. I know that sounds harsh, and in certain cases it may actually do more damage than good, but really if you can safely ignore this type of message completely, that’s going to send the strongest message and really get your ex wondering why you suddenly won’t reply to them anymore.
That is exactly what you want… especially during the early stages when you haven’t yet started to rebuild attraction or allowed your ex to let go of some negative memories and feelings towards you.
Unfortunately, sometimes not responding at all can be dangerous because it might cause unnecessary conflict or make your ex downright angry. So if you are worried that your ex is going to take a total lack of reply personally, and be offended or genuinely angry, then you can send a brief reply after a few hours to make the issue go away without falling victim to your ex’s trap.
The best thing to say in response is pretty simple…. Just reply with something like, “Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude, I’ve just been super busy lately, and I need a bit of space to get over the breakup.” or “Hey I’d love to keep in contact but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. I’m trying to move on.”
Basically you want them to know that you need space and that you’re busy. They really can’t be upset about that, right? They know the relationship is over and they can’t expect you to stick around forever.
Definitely don’t go over the top with any apologies to your ex, and don’t feel guilty. Even saying sorry might be a little much, unless you’re Canadian like me. Then it’s always necessary.
So once you’ve explained things with a super quick reply like that, you can safely go back to No Contact and ignore any further replies from your ex.
That said, if you’re NOT in No Contact when you get this message, then you can take a different approach. I’d still say give it a few hours but then you can use it as a way to begin the process of reconnecting. But you still need to take it slow and not push them to meet up or talk too much.
Remember, chances are this is just them trying to feed their ego rather than a genuine desire to connect in a meaningful way.
Text #2: The “Pointless” Text Message.
I also call this the “check-in text” or the “boring text” because it’s really just a boring, useless message to send or receive.
I bet you’ve probably received something like this already, haven’t you? It might’ve said just, “hey” or “hi”… it might be a “sup?” or “hey, what’s new?” type question… It’s any meaningless text like this where your ex is just asking something really generic like “what are you up to?”
What does your ex want here? What does this message mean? Well honestly, it’s hard to tell their intentions because they’re giving you almost zero with this one. Maybe they’re genuinely concerned about your wellbeing. Maybe they miss talking to you. Maybe they’re madly in love with you and want another chance. You just don’t know.
But one thing’s for sure, they’re scared. What I mean is, they obviously want to talk to you but they’re not willing to put themselves out there and risk looking stupid or being rejected. They’re trying to make you lead the conversation.
If you’ve ever used the dating app Bumble as a guy, you’ll understand this. The idea behind the app, at least initially, was that it made the women send the first message, flipping the script on the typical dating app interaction. But many women didn’t know what to say so they’d just send an emoji, or a single period. This would force the guy to make the first move.
This is what your ex is doing here, and you don’t want to play into this.
So how do you reply? Actually, for this type of message, it’s a lot easier to give you some clear advice… if you’re currently employing No Contact, if it’s only been a week or two since the breakup, or if you’ve spoken to your ex fairly recently…. If any of those things describe your situation, then don’t reply. Just don’t bother to respond at all. There’s no need, and it’s almost always going to do more harm than good if you reply. So, just ignore this kind of message altogether, and that’s probably going to be the best way for 90% of you to deal with this sort of “Check-in” text.
When might you want to reply? Well, for one, when you’ve been trying to talk with your ex for some time but haven’t had much luck. For instance, maybe you employed No Contact but haven’t been able to re-establish any kind of communication with your ex since then.
That’s a rare situation to be in if you’ve followed my advice up to that point, but in that kind of scenario you will want to reply and take advantage of your ex reaching out. Don’t be too eager though — always wait a while before replying, no matter what — and keep any response really brief, simple, and positive. If you can, make your ex laugh when he or she reads your reply.
Otherwise, quite frankly there’s not really any other reason to reply at all. Make sure that the text your ex sends you really does qualify as “pointless”, of course…. It’s not a “pointless” text if your ex asks you something specific like, “are you going to pay the phone bill this month?” or “what time are we meeting again tonight?”…. Those aren’t pointless.
But if you get any kind of text saying things like “hey” or “whats up”, that’s a pointless text for sure and it absolutely does not justify a response. And if your ex does actually have something to say or really want to talk to you, they’re going to follow up on this text, I promise you.
Because when someone sends a pointless text like this and gets no response, they know it’s on them for being boring and not really trying to start a conversation.
Ex Text #3: The “I miss you” Text
Basically this is any kind of message where your ex is saying things like, “I miss you” or “I wish you were here” or “I still think about you all the time”…. Anything like that would qualify.
This is any text that your ex sends to try to draw on memories of the past and the relationship. Look, I won’t lie…. This kind of text message can be really cruel. Because they’re not saying “I need you back.” They’re saying “I miss what we once had.” This is a fine distinction but it’s a very important one.
Because a text like this will make you want to respond. In fact, I guarantee that a lot of you probably did exactly that. You got excited, you saw a glimmer of hope, and you took the bait.
Don’t beat yourself up, that’s exactly what every person in your shoes would do if they hadn’t been told otherwise.
And the way you’ll want to respond will be some version of “I miss you too. So much. Let’s give it another shot. I’m coming over.”
But really, your ex isn’t saying they want to get back together. They’re saying they miss you. This is natural after a breakup and it’s a hard emotion to feel so they’re likely to try to make it go away by reaching out. They know it’s a bad idea since they don’t know what they want but they have poor impulse control. They’re putting it on you so that you have to make a move or reject them or ignore them, or whatever.
So if you do reach out and try to get closer to them, there’s a pretty strong chance that they just pull away again. That’s why it’s so cruel. It seems like an olive branch but really it’s just someone confused, flailing around, not caring who they hurt.
So, please do not make this same mistake.
Now you’re probably think I’m just going to say “don’t reply” to them, and I am–if you’re still in No Contact. Unfortunately that’s the best choice here.
You may think that you’re blowing it–that you’re missing out on your one chance with them–but you’re not. You’re just sticking to the plan and making them miss you as much as possible.
But what if you’re done with No Contact?
Well again, you want to wait a few hours to reply. It’s never good to be desperate. You want your ex to see that you’re not entirely sold on giving them another chance, if that is what they want. You don’t want to be too eager and show your hand or you’ll scare them off.
That’s also why you can’t just jump right into a love-fest and start showering your ex with emotional, romantic stuff.
Never say, for instance, “oh my god I’m so glad you said that, I’ve been missing you so badly and I just can’t take it anymore, I love you so much”
That’s way too much. In fact, if you do reply, it should be because you want to use this to set up further contact and set the stage for flirting, re-building attraction, and meeting in person.
So, for instance, a good response might be something like: “Yeah, I’ve been missing you too, it’s been pretty strange without you but it’s been good in some ways too. Anyway I can’t talk right now but let’s talk soon.”
Or that’s even pretty long, so you could just say, “Yeah, I miss you too, breakups suck. Hope you’re doing well.”
But if you’ve been reconnecting more, you can use this as an opportunity to have a longer chat and start to reconnect. Just don’t make it about your feelings and your regrets about the breakup. Keep things a bit lighter, be funny and remind them of the fun you can have together.
Anything serious, weepy and emotional should only take place in person and only after you two have established a solid foundation or ideally until you’ve decided to get back together.
Ex Text #4: The “Angry” Text
Speaking of painful text messages, this is another common one that you may receive from your ex after breaking up. It’s definitely not uncommon for this kind of hurtful message to come out of the blue, even if you and your ex ended things on good terms.
It’s usually not quite as blunt as “I hate you”
Your ex might hint at how they’re so much better off now, they might bring up old arguments, or they might give you hell for something you did in the past when you were still together.
Regardless of the exact details of the message, any kind of text like this where your ex is trying to lash out or say something hurtful to you is usually actually a positive sign, believe it or not.
Assuming you didn’t actually do or say something that would justify this kind of message from your ex, it indicates that your ex is still thinking about you and still cares about you enough to send you the text.
How do you handle this kind of angry or aggressive message? Well I guess you’re not going to be surprised when I tell you to just ignore it.
Never let yourself get dragged into any kind of argument, or show your ex that their words have affected you emotionally.
It’s possible that your ex is saying this kind of thing in an attempt to incite an angry reply, which they can use to justify pulling away in their own minds.
Because chances are the person they’re really mad at right now is themselves. And unless you’re willing to give them something else to be mad at, it’s going to stay that way.
Quite simply, nothing good can come from getting into an argument with your ex, so in almost all situations, your best bet is simply to ignore this type of message altogether.
That said, there are scenarios where you need to address this. So if your ex is truly full of rage, calling you names and otherwise coming in super hot, you shouldn’t respond because it’s just going to be an argument.
But if they seem calm but hurt by something you did and you’ve been starting to reconnect then this might be a situation to talk things out.
I’ll always suggest you try to have this conversation in person or even over the phone. Text messages with your ex are ripe for conflict because text on a screen doesn’t convey emotions in the same way.
You could offer a totally valid apology and your ex might feel you’re being dismissive. You don’t want your words to be taken the wrong way so do this in person.
Start by de-escalating the situation and then tell them you want to talk in person so that you can really understand their point of view and explain yourself. Most exes will go for this if they’re truly upset and want to repair the hurt.
