So you made a mistake and it cost you your relationship. Whether you cheated, lied, or mistreated your partner in some other way, you know you did wrong and you want to make it right.
Not to downplay what you did but this is actually a very common situation in romantic relationships. And many people are able to make it right, repair the relationship and continue on, together.
Today we’re going to talk about how to make this happen for yourself, depending on your unique situation.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Happen Over Night
Now, I wish I could tell you that I have this one easy trick that will completely change how your ex feels and make them forgive you instantly and beg you to come back to them…but that would be a lie.
Forgiveness is complicated and there’s no quick fix here. You can’t rewrite history, brainwash your ex or magically let go of all the guilt and shame you feel right now. But you can get there if you’re willing to follow this advice and be patient.
The time it will take depends on the severity of your mistake. If you just forgot to text your ex that you got home safe after a date, that’s a lot different than if you had a secret family in Germany…obviously. But I’m guessing that most of you are somewhere in the middle.
On top of that, it’s important to think about whether or not this was an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern.
If you’re saying “I can’t believe they dumped me because I left a little mess in the kitchen” then you need to ask yourself how many times your ex just let things like this slide before exploding and ending the relationship.
Don’t make excuses here and be honest with yourself if you want to have any chance of winning back your ex for real.
So besides the size of your mistake as well as the pattern, the temperament of your ex is something you need to consider.
Is your ex forgiving?
Are they prone to explode and then walk it back later?
Do they hold a grudge like a steel trap?
All of these factors will affect how you should approach this process.
How To Make A Proper Apology
With that out of the way, let’s talk about what you need to do right now to make this happen. The point is obvious–of course, it’s the title of the video–but it’s something that so many people half-ass or even skip entirely because they’re too embarrassed or too proud…
And that is… You need to actually APOLOGIZE to your ex.
Ideally, you want to do this in person if you can, although that’s not always possible or wise depending on the situation…
However you do it, this needs to be a truly heartfelt and genuine apology where you show remorse for your actions.
Let’s talk about apologies. An apology is a lot of things.
It’s an admission of guilt and remorse. It’s a sign of awareness of your mistake and the damage it caused. It’s a show of love, care and–above all–respect for another person. And it’s a promise to change your ways.
Here’s how to apologize. Don’t skip any of these steps or your apology is not going to have the desired effect on your ex.
Actually Say “I’m Sorry”
First, say you’re sorry. The word “sorry” needs to be in there. The fact that you regret what you did, and that you’re devastated are great inclusions but they do not take the place of the original “sorry” statement.
Be Specific
Next, tell them WHAT you’re sorry for. Be specific and honest. Do NOT make excuses for your behaviour. This will soften the apology and make it seem like you’re trying to explain to them why they shouldn’t be upset, even if that’s not your intention.
You don’t need to be TOO detailed here. More on that in a second but don’t say anything that will make your ex feel worse.
Empathize
Then tell your ex that you understand why you shouldn’t have done this and why it caused them pain. Take ownership over it. Tell them that it won’t happen again and explain the steps you’re taking to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Anything short of this isn’t a real apology and won’t help you change your ex’s mind.
From there you can talk about what you learned from this. This should include things like how stupid it was to do what you did–you don’t have to be poetic here, just honest—how much you care about them, how you didn’t want to hurt them, how you need to be better and treat them better, etc.
Answer their questions
Next, you need to deal with your ex’s questions. Chances are that your partner or your ex is going to ask questions and demand more information about who, what, when, how and why.
It sucks, I know. You really don’t want to reveal all that stuff if you can avoid it… but if pushed, you really do need to briefly answer their questions in an honest way.
Don’t lie, but if you can answer honestly without having to divulge the most graphic details, that’s usually wise… but if they demand details, don’t try to sweep it under the rug.
Give brief and to-the-point answers until you feel the important parts have been covered, or until they seem satisfied with your explanations.
By the way, if you decide to lie and make up certain parts of your story, you’ll probably get caught and end up killing your chances of your ex ever forgiving you.
Most people are terrible at lying, quite frankly, and since you want to be with this person forever… that will end up biting you in the butt eventually, so just cut your losses and be honest.
That’s usually the best policy, and it’s also the one that won’t leave you feeling even more guilty than you already do.
Keep Your Emotions Under Control
Another important thing to remember here is that you need to keep your emotions in check during this process.
Don’t let your guilt overwhelm your ex. If they end up consoling YOU when you were the one who messed up, you’ve gone too far and while your ex may seem like they’re being compassionate in the moment, when things calm down they’re going to realize that you made this about yourself instead of about the pain you caused them.
Many people do this without realizing it because they feel so bad and they can’t handle their partner being upset so they essentially flip the script and make their partner feel sorry for them to take some of the heat off. So it’s okay to cry and express remorse but don’t bawl your eyes out and make a spectacle out of yourself.
Apologize The Right Amount
And now that you’ve apologized, that’s it, right? Well it’s not always that simple.
Because apologizing doesn’t magically erase what you did so don’t pretend like everything is back to normal after this point.
If you feel like your ex needs you to say you’re sorry a few more times, that’s totally reasonable, depending on how big your mistake was. You’ll know this is the case if they bring it up repeatedly and say things like “I just don’t know if I can forgive you” or “I’m still thinking about what happened.”
In these cases, don’t deny them the apology just out of your own pride. The truth is that your mistake may have really affected them and they may need to hear this more than once to really feel it.
But at a certain point you DO need to stop apologizing. People can get really caught up in guilt and shame and the desire to fix things and can fail to realize that they’re actually making things worse by continuing to apologize. For example, if your ex tells you to stop apologizing then listen to them and stop it. Or if you can tell that you’re apologizing for YOURSELF more than for them.
Because if you keep pleading and issuing apology after apology, you’re going to do two things:
First, you’ll look like you’re too desperate and broken without your ex… you look like you’re a shattered person that can’t function until your ex accepts your apologies, and that’s not going to help you get them back.
And secondly, even more important, you’ll actually detract from the sincerity of your initial apology. If you keep saying sorry over and over again, your ex will get irritated and it will actually have the opposite effect… so know when to stop and let it be.
Give Your Ex Space
From there, you just need to take a step back and give your ex space.
Unfortunately I can’t really give you a clear strategy when it comes to how much space to give your ex after you’ve apologized and done the things I just talked about. As I said, it all depends on how bad your mistakes were, it depends on your ex’s personality and your history together, and it depends on how well you’ve handled things since the situation blew up on you.
But look, if your ex says they don’t want to talk to you at all, you need to respect that. At least for a while. Don’t try to hang around after you apologize and make small talk or ask them for a second chance right away… let them have some time alone to cool down, let the memories fade a bit, and then you can begin rebuilding things once emotions have settled down a bit.
A quick warning here… if you get defensive and say things like “I already apologized, what more do you want” or “am I going to have to pay for this for the rest of my life?” that’s going to end badly.
You screwed up, at least your ex certainly thinks you did, and you can’t get upset if they don’t forgive you as quickly as you might like. Just back off and wait until things are different or until your ex reaches out and re-opens the lines of communication.
Forgive Yourself
So what next? Well you have really no choice here but to move on with your life. I know you’re feeling guilty, stupid, embarrassed and alone—and maybe you are all of these things—but you need to learn to live with it and move on.
Continuing to stew in your mistakes is only going to make things worse and make it harder for you to reconnect with your ex when the time comes.
So do the opposite. Yes, you feel like crap, but you need to power through this tough stretch and keep yourself as busy as possible, especially in terms of your social life.
Go out with friends, reconnect with family and make new friends…. Do anything but think about your ex and that whole situation, because you’re now at the point where there’s nothing more to be done.
So use the time productively, and take action. It takes strength to pick yourself up after making a big mistake and potentially losing someone you love…But you have that strength, even if you don’t know it. And it’s up to you to make it happen.
And really, regardless of how things end up in the long-run, it can’t hurt to get out there, occupy your time and improve your life, right?
